This morning cleaning cages, I read a 2005 newspaper article about how important video games are, how they are a great medium for education and art, and how we shouldn't dismiss them as frivolous. Even I, who hopes video games will evolve into alternate universes, tend to dismiss the games I actually play as frivolous, and get angry at myself for playing them so much.
runescape.com is a prime example. I spend so much time and energy leveling up, doing incredibly boring repetitive tasks... I probly waste a quarter of my life playing it, and it's too laborious for "play" to be truely applicable. But I do it because I can... I know how to level up my runescape character, I don't particularly know how to level up in real life.
I do make some progress in life, of course. I belong to Naja now, and I'm very happy about it. I am, of course, full of uncertainty and angst about how well I'm serving her, and how willing she is to own me, and how willing I am to *let* her own me... I'm a complicated person, even the best choice I could ever make would have it's share of anxieties. And I've finally had some experience driving. I'm also taking some free classes, just keyboarding and accounting, simple stuff. In accounting I think I might be regarded as semi-brilliant, but it's not a "real" class like *cringe* intermediate algebra.
But back to runescape, it does help me learn things as much as anything else does. I think I'm going to sound like an idiot and a geek at the same time, but I discovered something. Certan activities give half experience points, like gathering oak logs gives 37.5 exp, and willow logs give 67.5 exp. These half points are non-observable until they add up to a full point... just like virtual particles!
Virtual particles have less than a quanta of energy, and we can't see them, but they have cumulative or statistical effects, like when an electron absorbs enough of them to equal a full quanta, and it emits an observable photon. Quantas are cool, sort of like integers... imagine if everything after the decimal point were virtual, invisible. Pi would simply look like 3. the .141592653589... etcetera would still be there, in it's entirety, hidden until it had an observable effect on a calculation. Now, I can't say for sure that the virtual part of pi would be complete, non-approximated... but it makes the concept beautiful, and it makes the whole universe make more sense to me. It may be possible that virtual particles are where the universe hides all it's infinities, like the endless decimals of pi, the unabridged mandlebrot fractal, and the perfect sphere. If we could harness this cumulative effect of imperceptables, math may become simpler and more accurate, and I'm sure gas stations would have a field day with their invisible 9/10ths of a cent, lol.
Well, I've geeked myself out enough for one year, maybe I'll post again next holiday season.
And heaven and nature sing, and heaven and nature sing...
I dreampt I took a jewish girl from a toy store out to lunch on her break. I could smell her, and it was a new smell... never before smelled by me, maybe never before smelled by humanity. When I said "oh my god" regarding the smell, she got angry. To be expected, I suppose. I took her to an ancient, fancy, expensive part of town, several stories up, with lots of green metal sculpture/architecture.
I am not suprised my brain invented a beautiful ancient city, with history that I could remember. I am not suprised my brain invented a history of me going to visit the toy store, scoping her out several times before asking her to lunch. My brain is a supercomputer, with history revision capabilities, and it can create almost any impression. I am just suprised at the smell. I am nearly certain complex smells are composed of simple variables... but I have not studied smells like I have colors, I don't know what those variables are, or how they're arranged. The girl's smell resembled fruit (of an unknown variety), but like her body produced it. What part of the smell indicates human-glandular manufacture? I don't know. Maybe it's just an implication, like it was implied that I'd been to the toy store before... but it smelled like part of the smell.
I hope to dream of a new color someday. I know all the colors composed of variables my standard vision system can assimilate... my brain would have to invent a new variable... I believe it can. If so, I'll se a whole range of new colors... but I'd need a new set of eyes for these colors to be useful for waking perception. Whatever, irrelivant. The dream was very pleasant and detailed, and I wish I could share it.
I had a bad dream. Mara and Max and Isaac & his brother Ben were all my friends again, and it just seemed a little odd. So Mara is driving someplace, and I'm shotgun. I mention my concern to her, that it seems like it might be too good to be true, and she obligingly disapears from the drivers seat. I was a little upset and angry. I flung the car doors open, and switched seats so I could drive for a bit. Drove erratically, braked and accelerated whenever, and was hoping to mow down some pedestrians or crash into something. Some male voice started telling me the quirks of the car, namely that it doesn't go uphill very well. I got bored of that, and I couldn't seem to get into any major crashes, so I decided to wake up. I sang "back to life, back to reality" 3 times with my arms outstretched (still hoping to crash I guess), and switched scenes. A bulldog like monster was staring at me, and then lunged, and I switched again. I stared at an unrecognizable pattern for a while, eventually realizing it was the inside of my comforter. I layed there for a while, wishing I could sing the song again to get back to the "real" reality, because this one sux. Then my sister came to tell me to take the trash down to the street, it's wednesday. I guess "back to life, back to reality" is my version of "there's no place like home"... I just wish I knew all the words. Some girl at the church sang it recently after an energy healing session, and I asked who sings it. She told me, and I promptly forgot.
I'd like to get into consentual non-consent, as it's called. The phrase makes my brain dizzy, but seems to be accurate. It should be interesting as a sub, as I don't have to worry about going too far or being labelled a rapist/abuser. I don't know what specific scene could best express c n-c for me... maybe B has some ideas.
Long-term bondage &/or cagery. Seems to go against the concept of being a part-time sub... but I don't need to get everything I'm looking for from B. Naja seems to understand my whole closet fetish.
I think B knows this part already... I want to be or become a tough sub who can take anything she can dish out. I want to be rightfully prideful in my accomplishments.
My goals towards becoming a good master seem irrelivant and vague right now. Well, not irrelivant... I technically have a slave... even if my situation with her does not even vaguely match my concept of a M/s relationship. I wish R would write.
I had other goals, but I dreampt them up in half-sleep, and now that I'm awake I can't remember.
It seems apparent that I am B's sub now. She has given me 2 orders, and I am doing my best to comply: 1)keep a journal, and 2)research gentlemanly behavior.
It is obviously 2 that I'm having the most difficulty with. For one thing, I am not very good at researching anything. For another, I generally identify as female, and I sort of object to being put in any manly role. Also, I feel that any code of conduct that makes distinctions between male and female behaviors is wrong. And lastly, it does not seem that there are any widely held rules of ettiquette for the modern era.
I dunno. If anyone has any tips on how to conduct oneself with dignity and grace, please leave a comment.
I dreampt I was B's pony. Only I didn't dream the actual experience of it, I dreampt I had a photograph of it, and I thought it was real, and that I had blacked out the experience. I wish I could show B the picture, I was pretty. "See B? I was your pony. I was strong enough to pull your wagon, aren't you proud?" Actually, I dunno how I was pulling it, as my legs were strapped to the wagon-thing, and my hands were holding onto some kind of vehicle in front. But I was next to a real pony who was pulling, and the emotions conveyed that we were doing equal amounts of work, showing equal strength and usefulness. Emotions convey all the essential information, in dreams.
I got to lay down with B for a while, and that was nice. But there was also an emotion conveying that she'd want to have my kids, and I know that's bullshit. I wish my dreams would get a clue... just because a woman is interested in me for one reason or another, doesn't mean she also wants to have kids with me.
This was a very long and confusing dream, and I kept thinking I had woke up, so I would attempt to write it all down on LJ as I'm doing now... only all my writing attempts turned into bad poetry, as I was still dreaming. I wish I could show the poetry here, some of it was interesting. I've been dream-writing a lot since B told me to keep a journal... hours and hours of wasted effort. This is the first thing I've really written.
I made a Yantra. The idea finally seeped in from Naja and 11th. Now we all match, lol.
I do not know much about yantras, forgive me if I've mangled it. I made 2 layers of outer bars, to make it look more like antennas. The bars combine with the square to make a vague circle, to imply wholeness.
Suprisingly, this yantra is all about what I want, and not about who I am. Thus it is quite generic, and anyone who wishes may use it.
I have little clue what the pentagram means to others. It just really wanted to be in the yantra, so I let it be, and I let it be big. To me it mostly means connection: to my body, to other people, to this world, to the spirit world, and to the 4D world of my next life.
The yantra is small, to fit on live journal. The swastika in the center is also small, to fit in the center. I would prefer both to be much bigger, to gather more energy. The swastika and the yantra seem to me to be the same type of thing: energy absorbers, like windmills and solar panels. The bigger the better. Oh well, so much for that. The extra antenna bars should help.
The four symbols associated with the antennas should be self explanatory. They are things I want the energy to focus on. Love is at the top, as that has always been my primary focus. Life is at the bottom, as the process of embracing it is somewhat new to me, I still struggle with suicide. Peace also signifies balance, self control... At least to me.
I do not have a real symbol for freedom, and it's starting to *really* irk me. Someone please help me find an adequate symbol. Lady Liberty only works big, I need a small symbol.
Anyway, I let this Yantra be my default LJ pic, even tho it does not signify myself like my personal symbol does. I think this is because focusing on myself tends to cause unhapiness, I need to let go sometimes.